Postpartum Repression (Part 1)

I have had this mental list of what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior from hormonal/pregnant/in labor/postpartum women. The list consists of, but is not limited to, the following:

PMS
Appropriate - Getting teary eyed while watching Hallmark commercials. This is also appropriate anytime, ever.
Inappropriate - Being mean as a feral barn cat.
Appropriate - Craving chocolate.
Inappropriate - Demanding that your husband/boyfriend/sympathetic family member go out at an ungodly hour to purchase aforementioned chocolate for you.
Appropriate - Admitting you don't feel well, but using vague phraseology like "under the weather" or "out of sorts".
Inappropriate - Using words like "period" or "cramping" around guy friends, guy coworkers and guy family members. It's just not classy, and I'm fairly sure it freaks them out.

PREGNANT
Appropriate - Needing some affirmation that you are not, in fact, the size of a barge.
Inappropriate - Acting like a diva, and/or expecting to be waited on by others.
Appropriate - Admitting you don't feel well, but using humorous phraseology, like "beached whale" and "forced eviction".
Inappropriate - Forgetting that words like "dilating" and "mucus plug" are not actual everyday words. These should be used in conversation only with people who are family, BFF's, health care professionals, or Michelle Duggar.

IN LABOR
Appropriate - Crunching those ice pellets as loud as you dang well please.
Inappropriate (unless you are starring in a made-for-TV movie) - Screaming, wailing, flailing appendages, 'accidentally' striking hospital staff, or verbally abusing your husband. It's called an epidural, honey. I'm telling you, it's the STUFF.
Appropriate - Dropping your best friend's phone in ice water/the toilet/the afterbirth (whatever is most accessible) before they can post sweaty and swollen pictures of you to Facebook. In this situation, it is also appropriate to have them escorted out of the hospital by security.


I know a lot of my opinions about these things are based on my "postpartum repression", which I will define as "A magical haze of wonder and selective memory enshrouding the pregnancy and delivery experience". Or more simply, "forgetting the bad stuff and remembering the good" or "God's way of making sure humans don't go extinct".

More on that later...